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The Mad Scientist Within Us

There are times when the only way to conquer our fears,

is to step into territory which we know could prove painful.

How else do we learn of our own courage, if not to find ways to put that courage to the test, perhaps even a little recklessly? The way I see it, the most valuable part of every human being exists at the heart (the soul).

The Beloved is at the depths of who and what we think we are. We are an instrument of the divine, thrumming the Creator's song from within our very cores. Being human can feel both beautiful and tragic, and yet there is grace within it all.


As human beings, we have identified the most painful experiences as 'heartbreaking',

and we FEEL our bodies as they echo the pain of this trauma.

It HURTS!! It is undeniable, on all levels.

Through my eyes, the fact that we are able to feel and love so deeply that heartbreak is not only possible, but pretty much inevitable, is devastatingly poetic and beautiful. The poets and artists of this world crave the most gritty depths of this human experience

as the catalyst for some of the most profound works of creation. Ah, those fires of transformation burn so bright and dear God, we are left bleeding,

but deeper and deeper we go. Beyond the flesh and into the truth of existence itself, we venture.


Oh that we might choose to harvest the fruits produced through the intense labor pains

of birthing ourselves into stronger, more beautiful versions of ourselves

through these painful offerings of life, embodied!

It is an epic adventure, indeed. Heartbreak... the physical heart can literally stop functioning properly

if a person experiences a trauma so profound as to cause the heart to 'break'. It's true.

It's called broken heart syndrome, or "Takotsubo Cardiomyopathy".

Two years ago, and again a year ago, I personally experienced heartache so intense that I wondered if I would perhaps actually physically die, because the pain in my heart seemed so much greater than my heart's capacity to bear that kind of pain in this physical body. I survived, of course, but I did have extensive soul retrieval work to do after all of that.

In shamanic tradition, there is an understanding that with extreme trauma, the soul can fracture out in order to protect itself from the intensity of this pain in the physical realm, thus the need for "retrieval" of aspects of the soul essence lost, taken from us,

or given away due to trauma.

There is no question that many of us here have tended to be a little 'reckless' with our precious hearts as we navigate through the options and choices made available to us

along this winding road of life. The shoulders of that road are littered with bits and pieces and huge chunks of ourselves we've left behind.

Despite the damage we incur however, it is the interest of actually experiencing life without stifling our own curiosities, expressions, and growth, that many adventurous souls have a tendency to dive into potentially treacherous waters with wild abandon.


Some of the most sensitive amongst us are the ones who lay their hearts bare

and put it all on the line, in a "What do I REALLY have to lose?" kind of way.

I dare say there are some of us who are a little more than slightly hedonistic in this embodied adventure here on earth.

I just might have been one of those people...

(Note that I have put that firmly in past tense.) I used to love it when I would hear people say to me: "Oh I wouldn't do that if I were you..." (When you know, you know.)

You know that place inside that sees that phrase as a challenge to do exactly that 'thing' because, well... curiosity wins out even in those

"Why the heck am I doing this to myself again???" moments.

I suspect that for those of us who tend to lean into the "What ifs" of life, there is a deep knowing that we are a kind of mad scientist at the core, forever seeking greater degrees of 'knowing' through our choices and experience .

We are called to explore that which fascinates and intrigues us,

even against our own intuition at times. You know your higher self mutters, "Yeah, thanks for that." every single time.

One of the reasons I love my profession as much as I do, is because studying human behavior has been a passionate pursuit my entire life. I know that if I don't dive in and experience it fully myself, I would be hard pressed to ever understand any of it more deeply, and actually help other people as a result.

And so... I've dived in, oh yes I have. With a wolfish grin, and a little cringe just for balance... I (used to) dive...

Whyyyyyyy though?? Well... The deep dive has a way of showing us where our ego may be standing in the way of deeper levels of love within ourselves and love extended toward others.

It has a way of showing us where we may be standing in the way of our own happiness,

and the happiness of others.

Guaranteed, when we open ourselves to curious explorations of our own dysfunctional patterns, we will be given an opportunity to see our judgements and stubborn places.

We will be faced head-on with the things we are most afraid of, and in this we will be given an opportunity to have the courage to go fully into some of our deepest fears

with grace, compassion, and resilience.

We will engage in opportunities to stand tall in, and speak our truth confidently.


We will met with resistance and projection and assumptions in this experience, and we will have the opportunity to call awareness to ‘other’ in the incongruencies and dysfunction in these kinds of behaviors.

We will be given the opportunity to have the courage and personal integrity to point lovingly but firmly to those projections and distortions of our truth and say,

“NO”, that is not my truth. Please see me as I am and not through the lens of the traumas endured with past lovers, family, and friends who have wounded you. I am not them."

We will be invited to choose to set loving boundaries for ourselves and we will learn that it's not only okay, but it's healthy to be dynamic and flexible with any boundaries which are really coming from inflexible spots of wounding and fear within us.

Choosing to dive deep affords us an opportunity to co-create a fertile and safe place for personal growth and healing as well as mutual growth and healing.

Without the courage and willingness to step into territory which scares the crap out of us... well...

all of this learning and growing and evolving would never be possible.

I recognize that beyond the egoic response in its tendency to lean toward feeling wounded, to feel these things is preferable to going through life without taking chances

and without FEELING it all.

Living life with any kind of wild abandon is not for all of us, no, but God forbid the adventurous ones amongst us become stagnant and choose to forfeit what it is to be strong enough and brave enough to have the experiences in which we gain the opportunity to evolve and feel the fullness of being human.

Fear is the only true enemy to every gentle heart, which, in its truth,

wants nothing more than to love and be loved.

If in the end we can all look back on our lives with no regrets and say: "I am proud of myself for the courage it took to say "Yes!" to all of that...

and oh my...

wasn't it all just so beautiful in its unfolding?!"

Bravery will not always land us in the territory we thought we were dreaming of, but it will land us in the territory that the mad scientist within us, was seeking to explore...

10.29.2018

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